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#1 Nov 12, 2018 12:11 pm

New Historian
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The facts of Life

Our father was never one to tackle a ticklish subject head on. Like the day in Arkwright Road when he when summoned all of us into the living room.

“All of you, come here!”

We trundled into the living room: who’s done what now?

“Yes Dad.”

“Yes Dad.”

“Yes Daddy.”

He had us sit down on the couch while he took out one of those new-fangled 45-rpm records and put it on the record player.
“Listen.” He commands, and puts the stylus onto the record. After a silly musical interlude, this woman’s scratchy voice comes across:

“Hello there, boys and girls, today we are going to talk about something very important; today we are going to talk about the birds and the bees!” This tinny little voice went on to talk about, literally, birds and bees, flowers and trees, cats and dogs, and then finally, your mummy and Daddy. That’s when I began to take notice. Whoa, what’s she got to do with any of this?

The record had scratches in it so every now and then Dad would have to jog the needle, skipping important bits. After about three minutes of this convoluted doublespeak the record came to an end. The only memorable phrase I took away from it was “a teaspoonful of sperm”. What’s sperm? Dad turned to us.

“Right boys, any questions?”

“No Dad.”

“No Dad.”

“No Daddy.”

“Fine, off you go then. Glad we had that chat!” We all trooped out.

As soon as we got behind closed doors I whispered to Tom:

“What was that all about?”

“Fucking, you idiot!”

“What? You mean have to [f word] to have a baby?”

"Yes, you idiot!"

Queen Elizabeth had recently given birth to Prince Andrew, and all of England was agog over the spare heir.

“Even the Queen?” I asked, incredulous.

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#2 Nov 12, 2018 12:38 pm

Real Distwalker
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Re: The facts of Life

Hilarious!   

I recall my cousin - a girl - told me about the birds and bees when I was about eight.  I had no idea!  I was shocked.  She called me a 'square'.

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#3 Nov 12, 2018 1:47 pm

houston
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Re: The facts of Life

I used to think that baby's came out of the belly button. Never thought about how they got there.

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#4 Nov 13, 2018 9:19 am

New Historian
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Re: The facts of Life

I thought the belly button was where boys put their thingy - ewww!

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#5 Nov 13, 2018 9:43 am

Slice
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Re: The facts of Life

New Historian wrote:

Our father was never one to tackle a ticklish subject head on. Like the day in Arkwright Road when he when summoned all of us into the living room.

“All of you, come here!”

We trundled into the living room: who’s done what now?

“Yes Dad.”

“Yes Dad.”

“Yes Daddy.”

He had us sit down on the couch while he took out one of those new-fangled 45-rpm records and put it on the record player.
“Listen.” He commands, and puts the stylus onto the record. After a silly musical interlude, this woman’s scratchy voice comes across:

“Hello there, boys and girls, today we are going to talk about something very important; today we are going to talk about the birds and the bees!” This tinny little voice went on to talk about, literally, birds and bees, flowers and trees, cats and dogs, and then finally, your mummy and Daddy. That’s when I began to take notice. Whoa, what’s she got to do with any of this?

The record had scratches in it so every now and then Dad would have to jog the needle, skipping important bits. After about three minutes of this convoluted doublespeak the record came to an end. The only memorable phrase I took away from it was “a teaspoonful of sperm”. What’s sperm? Dad turned to us.

“Right boys, any questions?”

“No Dad.”

“No Dad.”

“No Daddy.”

“Fine, off you go then. Glad we had that chat!” We all trooped out.

As soon as we got behind closed doors I whispered to Tom:

“What was that all about?”

“Fucking, you idiot!”

“What? You mean have to [f word] to have a baby?”

"Yes, you idiot!"

Queen Elizabeth had recently given birth to Prince Andrew, and all of England was agog over the spare heir.

“Even the Queen?” I asked, incredulous.

My dad was so different, he always laid it out on the table.  He always told me, how proud he was about sex with more than 100 women.  The lesson I learnt from him, was doh never make any woman use you.  He  said leave their ass alone and move on.  When he died at the age of 65, I was the only one he told, he had ah 18 year old girlfriend in Concord.

Last edited by Slice (Nov 13, 2018 9:44 am)

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#6 Nov 13, 2018 10:01 am

New Historian
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Re: The facts of Life

"My dad was so different, he always laid it out on the table.  He always told me, how proud he was about sex with more than 100 women.  The lesson I learnt from him, was doh never make any woman use you.  He  said leave their ass alone and move on.  When he died at the age of 65, I was the only one he told, he had ah 18 year old girlfriend in Concord."

I'll just wait for the blows to start falling on that one - and stand aside lol! So how many kids pappy had - and with how many women? He took the Lord literally at his word when he said: go forth and f*ck lol!! Ah 18-year old? You sure is not dat did carry him off?

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#7 Nov 13, 2018 5:36 pm

Slice
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Re: The facts of Life

I think he was well know. that man had children all over the place.  While in Greenz ah met one of my sisters for the first time.  Two other ah was suppose to meet, but ah never went back.

Ah meet him for the first time at about the age of 14.  While taking me to Gouyave he had one of the most sexy woman ah see in all me life.  When he drop her, ah ask FEA ( that is how we all called him) who was dat?  He said me other woman, but you must keep your mouth shut. I only revealed it to two of my sisters about three years ago.

On one of visits to spend time with me in Bmore, I showed him me Jamaican almost white girlfriend he said she go horn the daylight outa you. So said so done.

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