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#1 Jan 08, 2020 11:38 am

New Historian
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What was your "birds and bees" talk like?

Our father was never one to tackle a ticklish subject head on. Like the day in Arkwright Road, when he when summoned all of us into the living room.

“All a you, come here!”

We trundled into the living room: who’s done what, now?

“Yes Dad.”

“Yes Dad.”

“Yes Daddy.”

He had us sit down on the couch, while he took out one of those new-fangled 45-rpm records, and placed it on the record player.

“Listen.” He commands, and puts the stylus onto the record. After a silly musical interlude, this woman’s scratchy voice comes across:

“Hello there, boys and girls, today we are going to talk about something very important; today we are going to talk about the birds and the bees!” This tinny little voice went on to talk about, literally, birds and bees, flowers and trees, cats and dogs, and then finally, your mummy and Daddy.

The record had scratches in it, so every now and then Dad would have to jog the needle, skipping important bits. After about three minutes of this convoluted doublespeak, the record came to an end. The only memorable phrase I took away from it was “a teaspoonful of sperm”. What’s sperm? Dad turned to us.

“Right boys, any questions?”

“No Dad.”

“No Dad.”

“No Daddy.”

“Fine, off you go then. Glad we had that chat!” We all trooped out.

As soon as we got behind closed doors I whispered to Tom:

“Tom, what the hell was that all about?”

“Fucking, you idiot!”

“What? You have to [f word] to have a baby?”

“Yes, you idiot!”

Queen Elizabeth had recently given birth to Prince Andrew, and all of England was agog over the spare heir.

“Even the Queen?” I asked, incredulous.

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#2 Jan 08, 2020 3:52 pm

Expat
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Re: What was your "birds and bees" talk like?

I didn't have a talk.

Via my fathers art related books which included stop frame images of people walking jumping and running mostly in the nude, the careful studying of "Greys anatomy", and some common sense, I had the thing figured out long before my contemporaries.

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#3 Jan 08, 2020 4:00 pm

Real Distwalker
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Re: What was your "birds and bees" talk like?

I had Playboy and Penthouse magazines I dug out of dumpsters.

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#4 Jan 08, 2020 4:07 pm

Expat
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Re: What was your "birds and bees" talk like?

Real Distwalker wrote:

I had Playboy and Penthouse magazines I dug out of dumpsters.

You youngsters.....I don't know.

Playboy was still to be published in the dark annals of history I am referring to.

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#5 Jan 08, 2020 4:55 pm

Real Distwalker
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Re: What was your "birds and bees" talk like?

81EwdF0zDsL.jpg

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#6 Jan 08, 2020 6:22 pm

Expat
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Re: What was your "birds and bees" talk like?

Isn't that the same girl you were leaking over a few posts back?

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#7 Jan 08, 2020 7:19 pm

Calypso
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Re: What was your "birds and bees" talk like?

Expat wrote:

Isn't that the same girl you were leaking over a few posts back?

As a Caribbean woman who was once a girl, I thank my mother everyday about our birds and the bees talk. You see women always have to carry the burden while men run. Yes they F_ck and run, leaving us the bear the load. I learn how to take care of myself from my mother.  I was never a teenage mother! Thank heavens! Love you Mom.RIP.

you men should use your "French Letters "as my grandmother always used to say.

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#8 Jan 08, 2020 9:22 pm

Real Distwalker
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Re: What was your "birds and bees" talk like?

Expat wrote:

Isn't that the same girl you were leaking over a few posts back?

Nah.  Totally different girl. 

That is a very famous issue, by the way.  Playboy parodied it years later.

6a00d8341c630a53ef0120a5d3d928970b-500wi

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#9 Jan 09, 2020 7:41 am

Slice
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Re: What was your "birds and bees" talk like?

I grew up with me grand parents.  My grand mother was the head of household, so these kinda talks never happened to me.  I always knew my dad, but after we became close he thought me ah few things in life.  He was very open with me. Lord one day he was taking me to his home in Gouyave and when ah saw the beautiful woman in he car, that was his had me speechless.  My dad was ah whore, and up to today I cant figure out, how he did it in tiny Grenada.

Record player, what record player? was too damn poor to know what was ah record player.

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#10 Jan 09, 2020 5:52 pm

Calypso
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Re: What was your "birds and bees" talk like?

Slice wrote:

I grew up with me grand parents.  My grand mother was the head of household, so these kinda talks never happened to me.  I always knew my dad, but after we became close he thought me ah few things in life.  He was very open with me. Lord one day he was taking me to his home in Gouyave and when ah saw the beautiful woman in he car, that was his had me speechless.  My dad was ah whore, and up to today I cant figure out, how he did it in tiny Grenada.

Record player, what record player? was too damn poor to know what was ah record player.

LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON!

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